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Step-By-Step Guide To Creating Empathy During The First Few Years Of Life

Creating Empathy Through Play

This post is for parents and other important educators of children 0-8+ who share the goal of creating more empathy in the world.

When I was a fairly young teacher, volunteering at an ethnic festival, a fellow worker asked me a really great question. One I'll never forget because it was so simple and so profound.

She said, "How DO you teach empathy to young children? It took me back a bit. Although I felt like I taught empathy for a living, I couldn't give her a good answer. That's bothered me ever since.

So for the past 25 years, I’ve been trying to pinpoint some ideas that work to create empathy in very young children. It somehow seems super important now especially since we know that 80% of a child's brain is formed before the age of 3. That includes attitudes, emotions, and the potential to learn and apply new things.

So after 40+ years as a Head Start teacher, kindergarten teacher, 4-year-old teacher, mixed age group center teacher, childcare director, special education aide, before and after school and summer camp teacher, child/parent educator, UU teacher, family aerobics instructor, and proprietor of my own Child Development Home (29 years), I found myself out of a job because of COVOD.

So I've had some time to reflect.

After all of that reflection, I can say two things for sure. Empathy isn’t born of curriculum, activities, or field trips to help feed the hungry. It is born of living with and being around empathetic people day in and day out as well as having the stability of people with empathy sticking around in one's life.

And it's about the adults in charge creating empathy intentionally through honesty and effort.

I wish I could say that modeling empathic behavior is all that has to be done to raise empathetic children. My experience with children and families has taught me otherwise. Sometimes certain children need a little bit more than good role models. They might need some extra help understanding that others have feelings or they might have trouble expressing themselves when they feel wronged. They may have unusual sensory needs.

I’ve seen some truly empathetic parents with some truly unempathetic children and that’s not a pretty family picture. Sometimes completely well-meaning parents miss a critical point or two. That's why It’s important to teach empathy and emotional learning intentionally. No one wants to leave anything out or be unsuccessful at teaching any crucial idea.

The hand that rocks the cradle truly does rule the world so let’s think really hard about the kind of world we want to live in and work together to create it.

CREATING EMPATHY THROUGH PLAY

LESSON 1

LISTENING LIKE A PRO

Once I asked a 4-year-old child if he listened to his parents at home. "My Mom", he said. I always listen to my Mom." When I asked why he brightened. "Because she always listens to me!"

It is a true story and one of the most powerful reasons to listen to the children we spend time with. Even if we're already great listeners it usually helps to re-focus our skills every once in a while.

Many people think empathy begins with understanding and that's correct. Understanding, however, begins with listening. In this first lesson on Creating Empathy Through Play, I'm going to share with you some ideas and experiences I've had, and then you can try them out for yourself over the next week before you come back on Friday for your lesson dealing with bullies.

Here's what you'll learn today:

First, we'll define empathy and explore how it differs from sympathy

Then we'll explore The Circle of Communication and how it can help you tune in to your child

Next, I'll give you some easy-to-learn listening techniques from a timeless parenting classic that too many young parents and teachers have never heard of.

Finally, I'll teach you the magic 3-word sentence switch that affirms to your children that you're there for them and will listen.

Definition of empathy

the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner

Definition of sympathy

feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

"they had great sympathy for the flood victims"

The biggest difference I can see in the two definitions is that empathy is more complete and includes a deeper understanding of the individual person than sympathy. I have one other problem with the definition of sympathy and it's a little bit picky but I don't believe a person can truly feel sorry for another person although it's possible to feel sorry with them.

Watching the Sleeping Baby

There's a secret vice that many parents share but few talk about. I call it "watching the sleeping baby syndrome" New parents get a lot of advice on what to do when their baby is finally asleep. Some say you should catch up on sleep yourselves, others that you should use the time to quickly clean up the kitchen and prepare for the next round of parenting.

But when questioned, most parents will admit to the guilty pleasure of spending quite a bit of time watching their new baby sleep. In my experience, it's downright addictive. I believe that we're wired to watch our babies for several reasons, one of them being the desire to understand more about them. This is the first stage of listening.

So keep it up. It's relaxing and it'll start you on the road to a great lifetime of communication with your little ones.

Listening, though, is often more active than that, especially as your children get older. I'd like to tell you about a technique designed by the late, great Dr. Stanley Greenspan back in the '90s. Although it was originally developed for parents and early childhood educators, it's since expanded and become a popular method for communication with children who have autism. The method is now called DIR (Developmental, Individual differences, Relationship-based).

Either way, it works and it's the easiest way to increase both listening and language skills in all children and it even works with adults you'd like to form a closer bond with.

The underlying principle is that emotions spark learning. One crucial piece of understanding Floortime is honoring the circle of communication that takes place between adult and child. It starts with a gesture, a look, a sound, or a word. Then a response which leads to another. The circle continues like a game of catch being played between two highly engaged participants. According to Greenspan, it is the foundation of positive communication and learning.

Over the years I've used Greenspan's techniques with all children, not just those with special needs. I've found it super effective and easy to do, even relaxing. The hardest part is carving out 15 minutes per child for one-on-one attention. After that just relax get ready to listen. I call it the "lazing parenting" technique and if you do it right it's guaranteed to bring you closer to your child.

Floortime (or Lazy Parenting 101)

Grab a beverage and sit down close to one of your children as they play. Quietly watch and eventually ask a few simple questions out of real curiosity. Don't try to teach them anything.

Put aside any judgment you have about their behavior or choices. This is the hard part. We always want to teach them but it's best if every once in a while we let them lead the show. Play is the perfect opportunity for them to try out skills and language freely. Let them. During Floortime, we become their assistants for a while.

Playing the part of a Floortime assistant doesn't make you weak or have any less authority with the child. They see it as respect for what's important to them and it can actually cause them to have more respect when something is important to you.

Use this time to learn about your child. Notice what they're trying to accomplish in their play. Since play is nature's best way for children to learn, you're off the hook. Just enjoy your child for a while and support what they've chosen to do. Since the pressure is off to teach, you'll probably be more relaxed and happier than ever, just to be with them.

This is the best way to support their learning and to build a stronger bond between you. Here's an example from life.

Parent #1 is lying on the carpet watching the child play with a trainset. The parent doesn't say too much, just answers when the child asks a question but occasionally picks up and moves a train for themselves.

Both parent and child are relaxed and the child is happily babbling on about what he's doing with the trains, pretty well convinced his parent was listening, asking a question every once in a while just to make sure.

Parent # 2 notices a good Floortime scenario and picks up a camera to get it all on film. When parent #1 sees the camera he immediately sits up and asks the child to retrieve the blue train. This breaks the floortime magic because of the "educational" question. Once the child was put on the spot, he was no longer the leader of his play scenario and became the pupil.

It's not a bad thing to be in those roles, just not a Floortime thing. Floortime has its own particular purpose.

Just because a parent or teacher does Floortime with their children does not mean they lose any overall authority they have. Children need to know that sometimes parents decide things and that they'll always decide when safety is an issue.

Way back in the 1980s, a book was written by 2 women that would revolutionize listening and talking with children forever. The book is called, How to Talk So Children Listen and How To Listen So Children Talk. Heard of it?

Their ideas are clear, concise, and user-friendly. Plus they use a lot of hysterically funny stories that you just know came from real life because you can't make that stuff up.

And if you don't have time to read the book, you can get many good ideas by reading the cartoons included to illustrate every major concept they teach.

Their methods work so well that they've withstood the test of time and are still recommended reading for any good listening curriculum.

I'm including a link to get a new or used copy if you're interested. Just click on the book. I have no affiliation with the Faber and Mazlish organization whatsoever.

I'm going to summarize 3 techniques found in the book that will help you with your listening skills.

Say Nothing

The first technique I'm going to talk about is to say nothing. Really. When your child comes to you and starts telling you something that seems to matter to them, resist the urge to judge, give advice or take sides. Just listen. Say nothing or just a hmmm....or an Oh! will do. Wait without judging, they will tell you more. When they're done talking you can ask them what they plan to do. You'll find that they often have an even better plan than the one you felt like telling them.

Don't Judge

Most often, kids don't want your advice. They already know how you're probably going to feel about it. If you pass any kind of judgment whatsoever, you'll cause them to clam up. If anything, ask them to tell you more.

Ask For Clarity

I find that asking for more of an explanation is a great technique to use in life, not just in parenting or teaching. When you ask and you take the time to listen to the answer they give, you find out what they really think and what they really might do. Their first words might just be blowing off steam and you can let them vent without worrying that they'll end up breaking the law or hurting someone.

Using the above techniques will get your kids talking better than any other method hands down.

Now here's the final technique I'll share with you today. It's just a shift in the order of three little words some parents use almost every time their child falls or gets a minor injury. Many parents and teachers will automatically say "you're OK" before the child even reacts. They hope the child will automatically believe them.

But children's brains don't work that way. When they hear you say they're OK the first thing they often think is "No I"m not!". Then they cry or whine more in order to show you that they're hurting.

Instead, I'm going to encourage you to turn those 3 little words around and say "Are you OK?" instead. Believe it or not, this changes everything.

Think about it. You have no real way of knowing how much they're hurting. When you ask them to assess the situation, they'll have to stop and think about it before answering you truthfully.

Listen to their answer carefully before you decide how to proceed and soon you'll find that they'll choose to keep playing unless they're really hurt. This is this kind of trust that teaches children that you'll listen to them, so it encourages them to share more with you.

Tip: If you need to have an important or a hard conversation with a child, think about their learning style. Some kids respond better when you go for a walk and talk while some do better with more eye contact. Some even open up more during longer car rides or when doing some work together. Remember that every child is unique and it's worth the effort to try different methods for different children if it leads to better communication!

Equip Your Kids With A Bully-Proof Vest!

LESSON 2

The more time you spend with bullies, the less you like yourself! That’s a good statement for all of us to think about. It says a lot about life in general and has implications for the way we choose to raise and teach our children.

How would you like to equip your kids with a bully-proof vest that protects them from every mean person in the world?

Seem impossible? Maybe. But it IS possible to give your child the ABCs of non-violent communication with assertiveness skills that give them the tools to succeed in these areas for the rest of their lives.

How do I know about the bully-proof vest? 43 years experience with children ages 0-8+, and a BS and MA in education and human development respectively.

More important than that is the hundreds of hours of training attended and books read all the time applying the knowledge, observing the results, and adjusting my methods before trying again. I know a lot about how kids develop and learn, but I'm always the first to admit that parents and sometimes teachers are the real experts on each individual child.

It's from there that I like to talk about behavior.

I think it’s best to deal with the types of behavior that lead to bullying and victimization before the age of three. Yes, you heard me right. That's because 80% of a child’s brain pathways are developed by then and we need to be sure the right ones are being activated over and over again so that being a bully or being a victim doesn’t become ingrained in their beings and personalities.

Here’s what you’ll learn in this lesson

The ABC’s of equipping your child with a bully-proof vest, Awareness, Boundaries, and Choices.
Why self-control is the key to unlocking doors on both ends of the bully vs. victim spectrum
Why making kids say they're sorry has gotten such a bad rap and what you can say instead to promote empathy in very young children.

Awareness

The video above shows the development of empathy which is the polar opposite of bullying. We defined empathy as being different from sympathy in the first lesson on listening. The truth is that all humans are born with both the capacity for empathy and the capacity for narcissism. It's the way we're wired.

Just like it's important to be aware of how empathy develops and to encourage it, it's important to be aware of bullying and how it develops.

Bullying

Bullying is when a person or group deliberately tries to make someone else feel upset, scared, or ashamed. People often bully others who have any difference of behavior, appearance, culture, race, class, ability, or identity. There are four types of bullying:

• Physical bullying means harming or intimidating someone physically.

• Verbal bullying means taunting or hurtful teasing.

• Psychological bullying means leaving someone out or saying bad things so others will think less of them.

• Cyberbullying means using online and mobile technology to harm someone emotionally and socially.

bully definition by provided by KidPower International

Everyone is susceptible to bullying and anyone can be a victim in certain situations. So let's talk about how to prepare people and give them the skills they need to hold their heads up and take good care of each other.

With very young children 0-3, The process starts with awareness of self. Last time we talked about Floortime as being a good model for supporting children’s self-awareness by letting them lead the play on regular occasions. This week we’re going to extend that to a new skill I want to highlight called Laptime.

note: Floortime doesn't necessarily need to be on the floor and Laptime doesn't need to happen on the lap. It's a feeling of being in tune and in sync with each other. The difference is that Laptime usually includes physical contact and Floortime might not.

What is Laptime?

Laptime is defined by me as time spent either on the parent or provider's lap or in close physical contact if that's what's comfortable for both. It's time spent together, looking at books or magazines, reading and/or talking about emotions, and speculating how characters in books, ourselves, or others in the world might feel. It's also looking closely at facial, body, and language expressions that help us know what others are experiencing outside of ourselves. It's based on this premise:

all feelings are OK, all action (and words) are not

Laptime is a time for questioning and wondering about human interaction in the presence of a non-judgemental and trusted person. It's an awesome way to teach emotions to kids ages

0-8+. And it's information they'll need when it comes to talking about bullies.

30% of families in the United States don’t read to their kids at all. That's a lot of missed opportunities to teach their children about emotions and empathy.

The Danes, who've been consistently voted the happiest people in the world, already know what works to teach emotions and they have a program to teach it in school. It's called Step By Step that teaches young children to identify emotions by looking at pictures of faces and talking about how people are feeling.

Free of Bullying, a program designed by Mary Crown Princess of Denmark, teaches children 3-8 about bullying and teasing so they can learn to be more caring with each other. The program is mandatory for all school children.

There's something else that they stress in Denmark that we don't always make sure to include in our American child-raising. It's a subtle shift in thinking that they start instilling in children very early on.

Danish families actively encourage children to notice the best in each other by using phrases such as, "Isn't that child clever?" and they also talk about poor behavior as being separate from the child with phrases like, "Do you think he was grumpy because he was hungry or tired?" or "Maybe she skipped her nap, today." rather than labeling the child a pest or a bad sport.

Maybe there's some wisdom here for us to think about.

Boundaries

Our kids need to learn to set boundaries and like it or not, we're the ones who're going to have to teach them. We do it by example and through coaching. The first rule in setting boundaries is using "I messages".

You really need to tell people what you want if you want to have any chance in the world of getting it. I would recommend starting your requests with the word "I" or the word "when". for example:

"I see you trying to bully her into giving you her lunch and I want you to stop!"

"When I'm sure I can trust you, then I'll be your friend."

One of my favorite "I messages" is the one I have to use when a child strikes out at me in anger. I immediately set the child down if I'm holding them or move away if I'm not. I look straight at the child and say firmly and in perfect control, "I don't let anyone hit me."

That's it. Then I don't.

I hope they remember my message and use it successfully with others throughout their lives.

But what if your child is the one hitting others? There are lots of things to do to prevent hitting but it's important to also know the right things to do and say when it does happen. The following link will tell you exactly what to do and say when a child hits another to help promote empathy and efficacy in everyone involved.

What to do When Your Child Hits or Hurts

Choices

It's all about the choices they make and with bullying, we need to teach them to make appropriate choices that make them feel powerful. We sometimes have to be deliberate in letting them fail.

It's about gradually letting go and always being there for them when it doesn't work out. The best thing we can do as parents and teachers is to hold back our judgments, even when it's really hard. We need to teach kids to judge themselves because that's the beginning of true morals. Not just avoiding punishment.

I don't see punishment as being an effective deterrent to bullies or to victims.

Bullying itself is a form of punishment. The bully needs an understanding of how to get what they want in life without hurting people. The victim needs to show enough confidence in their choices to not back down or accept things that are grossly unfair.

Leonard's story

I once worked closely with a 2-year-old named Leonard. He had a problem with identifying as the victim in many situations. I suspected he was doing it for attention. Several of the other 2-year-olds picked on him and tried to physically hurt him. He cried a lot and I tried desperately to stop his bullies. Then I saw something that made me become very intentional about the way I was treating the situation and enabled me to turn things around.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Leonard get pushed. Instead of falling to the ground because of losing his balance, he sprung up and flew about 3 feet from where he was standing before falling to the ground, crying. He was trying to make it look like he got shoved hard, but I had seen the whole thing. From that point forward, I spent more time trying to empower Leonard with words and knowledge. He liked that type of positive attention better than his victimhood so it worked to everyone's advantage.

Dr. Becky Bailey is one of my favorite resources when it comes to empowering children to make good choices. Here's a link to a reading of her book, Sophie Wants a Turn on Youtube.

Sophie Wants a Turn

by Becky Bailey

The biggest reason that bullies continue to be bullies is that they get away with it. Awareness helps, so does viligence. Communication and positive assertiveness are the keys. We'll continue to talk about those two important subjects.

LESSON 3

SETTING BOUNDARIES

Don’t be surprised if you have trouble setting boundaries in one or more areas of your life. It’s a growing problem and a hot topic of discussion in many different circles. Uncertainty, negativity, and a world that sometimes offers too many choices all contribute to the problem.

I like to think of boundaries as being like a fence around a play yard. It helps keep everyone safe and it's very clear where it begins and ends. But honestly, it's taken me years to figure that out completely and I'm still working on it! Here's what we'll talk about today.

We’re going to take a deeper dive into “I messages'' and learn a technique called OFNR that can be life-changing for anyone who’s ever come across conflict and differences of opinions in their lives.
We’re going to learn 3 of the best power phrases available to parents and providers.

We talked a little bit about "I" messages last time. Today I’m going to tell you where that idea actually came from. If you haven't read the first 2 lessons, go back and do it now because each lesson builds on concepts discussed in previous lessons.

“I messages” are a part of a set of communication skills called non-violent communication. Marshall Rosenberg wrote the book and founded the movement. I wish everyone in the entire world could get a hold of this information because it really makes a difference in how we communicate and whether or not we end up getting what we want, compromising, behaving violently, or giving in.

When using I messages, you can try the following format, inserting your own observations and feelings.

I noticed _____________________ (state observation without judgment)

I feel_________________________ (state your feeling and own it without blame or guilt)

Because ______________________(state your need)

I want_________________________(state request)

The important thing to remember about I messages is that you have to own your feelings and completely avoid using all forms of guilt in your message. Easier said than done. That’s why a lot of parents and other educators say that "I messages" don’t work. They might not be aware of the rest of the formula, though.

It’s called OFNR and it stands for

Observation I saw you take a book from Stuart's hand. It looks like you wanted a turn.

Feelings I'm worried about Stuart because he's crying.

Needs I need you to help fix this because I want Stuart to feel happy and safe

here.

Request I want you to go over to him with me and talk calmly. If you want a turn with the book I'll help you ask him for one.

Here are some examples of turning an ineffective message riddled with shame and guilt into an effective and clear message that's easy for anyone to comply with. The ineffective messages are in red.

I’m sorry you feel that way. So you feel _________because of _________? Oh, I see!

I feel angry because of your disrespectful voice.

I hear from your tone of voice that you might be very angry but I need you to use a calmer, quieter voice and then I'd like to talk about it.

I hate it when you do that!

I saw you throw your coat on the floor. I want you to hang it up now and every time you come in because I like our living room floor to look neat.

If they still don't pick it up, use a word. "Coat!", wait and repeat until they say or do something about it.

I feel sad when you hit another child.

I see that you hit Bernadette and she’s crying. Let’s go to her together and figure out what to do about that.

By now you probably get that I think language is pretty important in early childhood. Our words matter. They can diffuse or intensify any situation. They can create havoc or they can create peace.

I've spent over 40 years trying to find the right phrases and questions to help young children listen and like it! Here are my top 3 power phrases.

Be gentle.

Be safe.

That was helpful!

These phrases actually work to prevent behavior issues. Children learn by repetition so use them as often as you can before there's a problem.

Common Mistakes in Teaching Empathy

LESSON 4

Is there enough empathy in the world? Hardly, but it does still exist. And the good thing is that everyone is born with the capacity for empathy just as we’re born with the capacity for narcissism. It’s a good thing to develop a bit of each and find a balance between caring for others and caring for ourselves.

As a parent or a teacher, you’re bound to make some mistakes. Right? You just don’t want to keep making the same ones over and over again, do you?

I have a feeling that’s why you’re here. You’re intentional about your parenting and/or your teaching and you realize what an important job it truly is. Possibly the most important.

And you realize that empathy counts, people matter and that making money isn't always the loftiest of goals. You are the type of person that I like to associate with. Here’s what you’ll learn today.

Why democracy isn’t always the best policy when it comes to family and what you can do instead

How doing either too much or too little can be catastrophic and how to find your middle ground

A chart to help you decide how to react to your child’s misbehaviors in a way that really works!

I had a conversation with a really good parent during which she asked me if I thought a family should be like a democracy. After thinking for a minute I said, no, I think it should be more like a benevolent dictatorship. Somebody's got to be in charge and it might as well be you!

The truth is that kids don't like it when they have too much control in a family. They try but they really do need someone to take the reigns. When left to their own devices they can become ungrateful, rude, and uncaring. A little bit of responsibility doled out at appropriate ages does a lot more for their behavior than too much, too soon.

I once attended a lecture that blew me away and changed the way I taught and parented forever. I’ll never forget it. The speaker was Dave Riley and the subject was parenting styles. Riley was summarizing the 1966 research of Diane Baumrind from the University of CA at Berkeley. Here's a summary of the four major parenting styles.

Uninvolved

emotionally detached, self-absorbed, inconsistent or no boundaries, little interaction

Permissive

nurturing, affectionate, few or inconsistent boundaries, takes the role of a friend rather than the parent

Authoritarian

strict, inflexible, high expectations, punishes rather than disciplines or guides.

Authoritative

nurturing, affectionate, sets boundaries, disciplines through guidance, open communication

Of course, it was the authoritative parenting style that yielded the best results. The only problem I see with this research is that the words authoritarian and authoritative are too similar and that can make the whole thing a little bit confusing. Here are the 3 major mistakes parents can make in my own words based on 40+ years of teaching.

Ignoring your kids (uninvolved parent)

If you don't have a lot of time to spend with your kids, that's OK, just make sure you spend some of it doing the most important 2 things to promote empathy. Read to them and talk to them about feelings, theirs, yours and other people's. Talking with your child during their daily bath instead of looking at your phone can do a lot more good than spending a lot of time in their presence and resenting it.

Being Too Nice (permissive parenting)

Children need to feel secure. Parents and teachers need to take control, especially in matters of health and safety. If you've already explained yourself, it's OK to say no. Sometimes parents/teachers decide. Believe me, it's better that way.

It's good to make them wait sometimes too. It helps them develop self-control.

Being Too Bossy (authoritarian parenting)

Bossing children around and depending on punishment and guilt to control them just turns them into bullies. Children learn by example. They'll decide that power is everything and you'll find yourself in the middle of a mess. If you don't believe me take a look at this section of Supernanny from 3:05-4:45.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXzOIZ3bviQ

When I was a young teacher someone gave me a copy of this chart based on the work of Rudolph Driekurs. Driekurs was a student of Alfred Adler, the father of humanitarian psychology. He focussed his work on children.

I like the chart because it not only talks about corrective measures but also the flip side of the coin that so often gets ignored. What you actually need to teach the child.

Thanks for reading this!

As a parent or a teacher, you’re bound to make some mistakes. Right? You just don’t want to keep making the same ones over and over again, do you?

I have a feeling that’s why you’re here. You’re intentional about your parenting and/or your teaching and you realize what an important job it truly is. Possibly the most important.

Why democracy isn’t always the best policy when it comes to family and what you can do instead

How doing either too much or too little can be catastrophic and how to find your middle ground

A chart to help you decide how to react to your child’s misbehaviors in a way that really works!

Uninvolved

emotionally detached, self-absorbed, inconsistent or no boundaries, little interaction

Permissive

nurturing, affectionate, few or inconsistent boundaries, takes the role of a friend rather than the parent

Authoritarian

strict, inflexible, high expectations, punishes rather than disciplines or guides.

Authoritative

nurturing, affectionate, sets boundaries, disciplines through guidance, open communication

Ignoring your kids (uninvolved parent)

Being Too Nice (permissive parenting)

It's good to make them wait sometimes too. It helps them develop self-control.

Being Too Bossy (authoritarian parenting)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXzOIZ3bviQ

I like the chart because it not only talks about corrective measures but also the flip side of the coin that so often gets ignored. What you actually need to teach the child.

Thanks for reading this!

Common Mistakes in Teaching Empathy

Updated: Apr 20, 2021

As a parent or a teacher, you’re bound to make some mistakes. Right? You just don’t want to keep making the same ones over and over again, do you?

I have a feeling that’s why you’re here. You’re intentional about your parenting and/or your teaching and you realize what an important job it truly is. Possibly the most important.

Why democracy isn’t always the best policy when it comes to family and what you can do instead

How doing either too much or too little can be catastrophic and how to find your middle ground

A chart to help you decide how to react to your child’s misbehaviors in a way that really works!

Uninvolved

emotionally detached, self-absorbed, inconsistent or no boundaries, little interaction

Permissive

nurturing, affectionate, few or inconsistent boundaries, takes the role of a friend rather than the parent

Authoritarian

strict, inflexible, high expectations, punishes rather than disciplines or guides.

Authoritative

nurturing, affectionate, sets boundaries, disciplines through guidance, open communication

Ignoring your kids (uninvolved parent)

Being Too Nice (permissive parenting)

It's good to make them wait sometimes too. It helps them develop self-control.

Being Too Bossy (authoritarian parenting)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXzOIZ3bviQ

I like the chart because it not only talks about corrective measures but also the flip side of the coin that so often gets ignored. What you actually need to teach the child.

Thanks for reading this!

Do you want to raise smart, happy kids with a problem-solving mindset and a great attitude towards learning? If so, I think you’re going to like what I’m going to share with you today.

This is the 5th in a series of 10 lessons on Teaching Empathy Through Play written by me, Nanci J Bradley. Let’s start out by going over what we’ve already learned in lessons 1-4. If you haven’t read them yet, please go back and do so as each lesson is designed to build on knowledge given in the previous lessons.

We learned previously how the circle of communication and your listening skills are much more important to family happiness than supplying material things, or classes.

We also learned how reading to your child and supplying them with information and conversation about emotions are the 2 most important things you can do to promote empathy.

Today we’re going to cover:

How your daily schedule works to keep your kids happy and peaceful

What you can learn from your child’s whining and how you can cure it using one little sentence

How problem-solving can make everyone's lives easier

The one sentence that no child should go a day without hearing (besides, “I love you”.)

Flexibility is great, but your schedule is what keeps you and your kids happy. Some people in the modern world have trouble with this. If you’re one of them, get over it. You’re the adult.

Having a predictable schedule is what allows kids to get through the times of the day that aren’t their favorite by looking forward to the times that are.

Plus, being able to accurately predict what will come next makes kids' brains light up with success.

Schedule Basics

Kids need to eat about every 3 hours (more often for infants, of course) since they tend to expend a lot of energy. If they don't eat on time, they start to get grouchy and surly. You might have noticed this. Here’s an article I wrote about Kid’s Moods and Foods that you might be interested in.

They also need to sleep enough. Believe me, I’m a sleep expert who’s read all the latest sleep doctors and gurus and applied that knowledge to getting actual children to sleep. Thousands of times. Sleep, personality, and learning are entirely interrelated. I can say that for sure. Here a link to an article I wrote about sleep for kids and adults that you might like.

In my child development home (aka family childcare home) I use a loose schedule that includes a lot of play and opportunities for learning. That’s because one of the most important things I’ve learned over 40+ years of hands-on childcare experience is that children are only happy when I allow them to learn at their greatest potential. It’s true.

We’re wired for learning, but we want to do it our own way and that can lead to problems with adults and their way of thinking.

That’s where we have to realize that they want to learn and set it up so they can get a chance to do so without ruining everything we, as adults, are trying to do. It’s a balance of priorities that makes a family happy and healthy.

In the next lesson, we’ll deal specifically with sensory issues and how they can both enhance and hinder learning, and what we can do about it. For now, just realize that everything human beings do or try to do starts out with the desire to learn and survive.

One last thing I want to say about schedules is that it helps to have it written down in a way that can be deciphered by everyone. If you have very young kids, it’s fun to take photos, print and laminate them, and use labels to lay out your day from start to finish horizontally. Or use drawings. Here’s an idea that works and lends itself to flexibility.

Whining

The first thing to know about whining is to be aware! First, you have to notice when your kids are whining and then you’ll know how to respond.

Think of it like this. Their whining makes us feel guilty. We’re not perfect and everyone knows that but we don’t need to let them control us through guilt at such a young age or it could easily develop into a habit.

So notice when they’re whining and say this:

I want to understand your question but I don’t like your tone of voice. I choose not to listen this time but ask me again in 5 minutes.

The time, as well as the language used, can be adjusted according to the developmental level of the child.

Stay firm. Set a timer if you have to but stick to your original time frame. If your child doesn’t yet understand “tone of voice” you’ll have to teach them through practice. You don’t have to feel obligated to say yes to their request because they ask politely but if they want a chance, they’re going to have to ask respectfully. That's an old preschool teacher trick and it really does work!

Problem Solving 101

Now for my favorite parenting and teaching trick. It concerns problem-solving. I talked a lot about non-violent communication in lesson 3 and here's a really practical way to use it.

When a child asks you for help and you wish they’d try and figure it out themselves, instead of saying no or dropping what you're doing to run and help, try saying OK, I'll help you with that puzzle (or that shoe) as soon as I'm done emptying the dishwasher (or changing baby's diaper. That should take me about 5 minutes and then I’ll be there.

This works because the child feels supported because you used an “I message” but may figure out the answer using trial and error before you ever get over to help. It has to do with the developmental concept of scaffolding (Lev Vygotsky) and giving the least amount of help the child needs to succeed.

Because I care for so many small children all at once, I’m pretty much always busy but if not, I improvise.

3 Little Words

So if you want your kids to grow up smart, happy, and eager to solve problems, help them just enough, but not too much, and when they do something wrong, focus on the deed done, not the child themselves. And use "I" messages.

And here’s a tip that can change the way you feel about parenting and/or teaching forever.

Everyone just wants to matter. Pay attention to what your child does that you really appreciate. Then tell them.

Try saying, "That was helpful!" And then tell them why it helped you.

“That was helpful” are the 3 most important words in the human language. When you learn to appreciate your child, they learn to appreciate others!

EMPATHY AND SENSORY PROCESSING

LESSON 7

What does sensory processing have to do with empathy? More than most people would think. But you’re not most people. You’re interested in creating empathy and you have confidence it can be done. That makes you one of my favorite people.

Sensory processing is defined as the organization of sensory information from the body and the external world that allows a person to interact effectively with their physical and social environments

(Ayres, 2005; from Encyclopedia of Infant and Early Childhood Development (Second Edition), 2020.

You may have heard about sensory processing disorder (SPD) and how many kids are being diagnosed with it and sometimes treated with things like, therapy swings, weighted vests, trampolines, and mid-line crossover activities.

But before we start learning about this diagnosis and its treatments, it's important to understand more about sensory processing itself so we can supply the experiences that help all kids the most.

Sensory processing is how human beings learn. Each brain develops differently but connections must be made in all areas of learning. 90% of those connections are made before a child is 5. When the right connections are made we learn smoothly and effortlessly and we can be self-motivated to do so.

We now know that babies are programmed to learn through experience, exploration, touch, trial and error, and imitation. According to Sam Wang Ph.D., Princeton University, we also know that "a child's brain naturally knows how to get what it needs from the world."

The right experiences in early childhood create the right connections for learning. And interestingly enough, play is the way the brain intuitively learns to make the most connections, even more than, say, sitting down and copying letters or doing worksheets.

The reason play is so important these days in early childhood research is that it uses multi-sensory experiences to create optimal brain connections. In other words, children know naturally how they learn best and playing helps them by being the vehicle to do so.

It’s pretty amazing.

We're drawn to multi-sensory activities. And that's why when a child is engaged in a multi-sensory learning activity, it can be very hard to get them to stop.

This is the cause of the most common mistake well-meaning parents make that can cause a child to develop a poor attitude about learning and be unhappy.

Ever hear this?

Get out of that puddle right now young lady or your gonna get it!! Why don't you ever listen to me? Why do you always make me yell? (grabs the child by the hand and storms off.)

Maybe this parent has tried nicely to get the child to cooperate and now they're nervous. Or maybe they're at the end of their rope.

Maybe they didn't know how to validate their children's feelings without giving in to their demands or whining. So they got frustrated and yelled, yanked the child by the hand, and left.

Not a huge deal. Sometimes kids just won't listen no matter what you try.

Next time, however, they could try saying something like this:

Walk around the puddle (before the child jumps in). You can put water in your sandbox later when we're at home and it doesn't matter if you get wet, but for now, I really want you to keep your pants dry.

Or to the child who won't leave a weekly playdate.

I know you're having a great time playing with Stuart in the sandbox. It's almost time to make dinner and we're taking the bus home!

I gave you a five-minute warning. You can have a long playtime with your new ducky in the tub after dinner (baths are great sensory learning activities) Say goodbye to Stuart and his mom nicely. Say thank you and they'll probably invite us back again next week for more fun.

The child can cry if they want to but you still should leave on time. Soon they'll learn self-regulation and decide not to cry if it doesn't work.

Understanding a child's motivation to learn and keep learning is one of the most effective skills a parent can have.

Behavior experts tell parents to use "distraction". As a parent and a teacher, I know that it's not that simple. Children are observant. They know what we're trying to do so. If so, then distraction won't always work.

Instead of laying blame or shame on a child for being drawn to learning, tell them you understand and show them how to comply through practice and praise for actual compliance when it happens. Don't worry it will happen.

Here's a real-life example.

The parent sees the toddler pull dirt from a large potted plant and drop it on the floor. After being re-directed to another area of the room, he goes back to the plant and tries again. The first thing mom tries is to give him attention in a different way to be sure he's not teasing her to get her to notice him more by pulling dirt, something he knows by now that he's not supposed to do.

He seems drawn to the plant, again and again. Mom tries to get between him and the plant with her body but nothing is stopping him. See uses an I message, “I don’t want the dirt all over the carpet.” and then a complete distraction. She takes him out to the sandbox and lets him dump the sand. She teaches him the word “dump” so she can say “dump outside in the sandbox, I want the carpet clean!”

When he persists over the next 2 weeks to try to get to the plant, she can’t always take him outside right away so she uses a baby gate to help him wait in the kitchen when she can’t stay right by him in the living room. She makes a plan to purchase some fake “rocks” that are attached to a mesh screen to keep kids out and let the water in. But before she makes the purchase, the behavior stops and he leaves the dirt alone.

This parent knew not to punish her child for trying to learn about this dirt situation. But she also knew he needed self-regulation. Her decision to not go ahead and purchase the “rocks” once he stopped trying to take the dirt out showed this.

Since she never blamed him for his overly persistent behavior he didn’t develop a weird a bad feeling about going after a learning goal. He did learn how to meet his learning goals in a more acceptable way such as dumping the sand in the sandbox, or water in the bath.

This story is true and the child grew into an adult who enjoys learning new things, managing other adults, reading, and writing professionally.

I gave you the technical definition of multi-sensory activities earlier, but now I’d like to give you some real-life ideas for activities that help all children learn.

Choose activities that have a combination of auditory, kinesthetic and visual components. Let them play and explore freely, as long as they're safe and conform to the limits of the play area.

Some good examples of multi-sensory experiences that lots of kids love are bath play, sand play, lap reading, playgrounds. swings, (both indoor and out), play dough, putting on plays, music, dance, acting out stories, playing in the snow or at the beach, and the best-loved old standard, playing "house"!

Here are some more ideas for child-directed multi-sensory activities. Including some for older kids and family activities.

Charades

family puzzle set up on a table

plays, musicals, and dance shows

cleaning dirty toys in a dishpan with old toothbrushes and soap

cooking or preparing meals or snacks including clean-up

USSR (20 minutes each day of Uninterrupted, Screen-Free, Silent, Reading during which the entire household participates)

Rock art studio

Family Dance Party

Remember to give all children the least amount of help they need to pull off activities successfully. This kind of hands-free or "lazy" parenting increases problem-solving skills in children. Those skills are the tools they need for a lifetime of learning.

Children who feel free to learn things in their own ways feel supported.

That's because when you understand your children, you're showing them empathy. When children see empathy, they learn to understand and help others. Just like there’s a circle of communication, (lesson 1) there is a circle of empathy. We just have to learn to embrace it.

But what if you worry that your child isn’t developing normally? Some signs may be avoidance of certain sensory activities or obsession with them. But where do you start when you have questions?

Start here!

The CDC has developed an easy-to-use tool to help parents with keeping track of certain developmental milestones. The link is here. I think you’ll have fun with it and learn something about your child also.

It's always best to speak with an early childhood professional, a doctor, or both about what you observe in your child. Remember that you are and will always be your child's first teacher and the one who knows your child the best. The CDC assessments can help you to see if your child is developing normally and also give guidance on where to turn if you're worried that they're not.

Developmental milestones CDC website

LESSON 8

Creating an Attitude of Appreciation (ages 0-8+)

Appreciation can mean many different things to different people but most agree it’s a good feeling and one to incorporate in ourselves and in our children.

Here is the most common definition of appreciation.

ap·pre·ci·a·tion

/əˌprēSHēˈāSH(ə)n/

noun

recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something."I smiled in appreciation" (Oxford Languages Dictionary)

It’s not always easy, however, to feel appreciative. Many people wake up each day and focus on their problems and complaints. Appreciative people also have problems and complaints but they pay more attention to their plans and goals.

So let's think about kids for a minute, especially babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. Do we need to intentionally teach them appreciation or will they just absorb it from us? How do kids learn to be appreciative?

Today we’ll discover

5 little questions that can turn your family’s mindset from anger and unhealthy competition to appreciation and helpfulness

How to appreciate your child’s unique learning style and use activities to enhance and balance their strengths without leaving any area behind.

3 little words that teach your child to be appreciative today!

Questions

The questions you ask yourself and your family may just be the keys to a happy and appreciative life. That's the premise the the philosophy of "appreciative inquiry" comes from.

When you ask a really good question, it's important to remember to listen non-judgementally.

Here are my top 5 questions for appreciative mindset and emotional growth.

1) What do you do well?

Asking this forces them to start thinking about their own positive traits. In order to help others, we have to first feel good about ourselves.

2) What does this family do well together?

This question helps them feel good about working together to reach positive goals.

3) Did you do your best?

It's fairly easy for kids to pick up on the habit of criticizing others. This question helps them to feel in control of their own growth and learning.

4) Are you OK?

This question teaches empathy through example.

5) What can we learn from this?

They say that every cloud has a silver lining and this thoughful question can emphasize that point.

All about learning

The desire to learn is a force that drives almost all behavior. If we don't learn to adapt, we don't survive.

Now think about misbehavior for a minute. It's possible that all misbehavior has its roots in learning. The child tries to learn something. The parent doesn't like the chosen method. Like when the child wants to learn about the properties of dirt found in the potted plants and the adult has a differant idea.

It's OK to respectfully stop your child from throwing dirt on the carpet day after day. It's not ok to ignore his desire to learn. That desire is too strong. Get your child's desires met by letting them spend a lot of time in the sandbox or even, heaven forbid, play in the dirt. And while you're at it, try mixing in a little bit of water for added fun.

When you lack a developmental understanding of your child's behavior, you can easily and understandably get frustrated with your child or even angry when they try persisently to learn about their world.

Think about what happens when a child gets punished or yelled at for trying to learn and that happens over and over again, day in an day out. The more persistant a child's desire to learn, the more trouble they may get in.

Do you see how their desire to learn can cause confusion when they're shamed for it? Since it feels good to the child to learn, they could easiy start to think that the only way to feel good is to misbehave.

One possible answer to this is to understand their desire to learn and provide it, while setting boundaries for respect and consideration of others at the same time.

This is easier to do when we understand learning styles. I’ve personally spent a lot of time researching this topic when preparing for my master’s thesis. The gist of the matter is this:

It’s good to have an idea of your child’s unique learning style and especially their strengths but to cater to those strengths is one of the worst mistakes a parent or a teacher can make. What our children need from us is balance. They need to use their strengths to learn more about the areas they’re weak in.

As we learned in previous lessons, multi-sensory experiences are the magical path to balance. Children do this naturally when they play.

What does this have to do with appreciation? A lot, actually. When you appreciate your child’s learning and give them avenues to pursue their own unique learning goals you operate within each other’s realm of appreciation. Without this understanding, you may be at odds with each other most of the time because of the unique ways your child wants to learn.

Here’s a resource that really helped me to accept and appreciate my child as well as the children I've worked with over the years. It's called How Your Child Is Smart by Dawna Markova. I couldn't have survived 44 years in early chldhood education without this book. I also learned a lot about myself from it. I'm not affiliated with Amazon but I linked it for your convenience.

When you can accept and appreciate your child, they can learn to appreciate others including yourself. Children do learn by observation and example more than they learn from you telling them things.

Now for the moment you've been waiting for. The 3 little words that can change your relationship with your challenging (or easy to please) child for the better in just one day! I’ve done it myself many times and it works. The words are…..drum roll please…

That was Helpful.

Yep, that's it! It’s nice if you can add the child's name and what they did that helped you out.

That was helpful, Stuart! You shut off all the lights in the house before we left. Now I don't have to do it and we can leave right now. Plus it helps the Earth. Let's go to the park!

That way everyone in the room knows one thing they can do to make you happy!

I touch on a few more ideas you can use in my article on How to Have a Great Day With Your Challenging Child.

One last but very important note on appreciation. It's good to use your daily routine to focus on the good things that are coming up next. That way when you're trying to get through something that's not so much fun you can look forward to the next thing that is, like going outside to play!

I want to leave you with a couple of thoughts that may help create a mindset of appreciation. The first one is my mantra and the second, a popular saying that helps many parents cope.

My only goal is inner peace

The only moment is now

My only functions are appreciation and forgiveness (starting with myself)

and.....

You may not be the best parent or teacher in the world but you're the one they need today!

I hope you learned at least one helpful thing today. If so, it’s all worthwhile for me!

THE POWER TO CREATE CHANGE

LESSON 9

If you haven’t read the previous 9 lessons, sign up here to get them delivered to your inbox for free.

KISSable kids

Kind, Inclusive, Smart, and Strong, (KISS). Those are the kind of humans this world needs more of. And those are the kind that good parents and teachers like you are trying to raise. There’s a lot of crap that gets in the way, unfortunately, and although parenting isn’t easy, my goal is to help make it fun and rewarding for you.

No one wants to raise a narcissist, but it doesn’t help to be too giving either. Especially if you’re unable or unwilling to work at setting appropriate boundaries.

Have you ever heard of the story The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein? It was really popular in the ’70s but it always made me wonder about the true meaning of the story. It seems, at least on the surface, to encourage giving until one’s all used up and then dying, never having been appreciated. Could this be what the author really wanted to portray? He never did divulge the answer to this question to the media as far as I know.

It sucks to be a martyr but It also doesn’t help to be too strict or demanding either. There are a lot of ways to teach a child. Trying to scare bad behavior out of them is not a good one. So how do we manage to balance kindness with strength? How do we help our kids learn to advocate for others while advocating for themselves and staying safe?

I’m going to propose a way to do this that won’t burn parents out or allow them to neglect their duties. I call it Less Is More Parenting and I’ve spent the last 43 years developing and refining this philosophy. The key is to do more of the right things for your kids and less of the things that don’t help.

Less Is More Parenting is a win-win ideology because it focuses on what works to create Kind, Inclusive, Smart, and Strong children. The kind that make a positive difference while remembering to care for themselves. Here's a synopsis of the philosophy.

To get the entire Less is More Parenting Training as soon as it debuts, sign up here and I’ll keep you in the loop.

My final point is that children need to feel seen, heard, and understood before they can embrace fairness and change the world. They need to be held accountable for their actions and we, as the adults in their lives, need to be held accountable for teaching them to self-regulate.

Waiting, taking turns, communicating, and working through frustration are all valid skills that help with self-regulation. Please refer to the previous 9 lessons for ideas on developing all of those skills and more!

Here's a great board book by Sophie Beers.

7 Ways To Build Resilience To Narcissism From Birth -5

Oh my gosh, so many people were interested in last week's post about how to build a narcissist, I felt a little guilty. I want to make sure to be completely clear that along with things we can do to build a narcissist, there are just as many things we can do to build resilience to such a fate.

One of those things, although it may seem counterintuitive is to take good care of ourselves. This helps because when we give ourselves what we need first, we don't feel the same need to be tricky or greedy about giving to others.

However, it's the kind of self-destructive narcissism that leads to exclusion, hurtful words, and violence, that I don't encourage in my world. Instead, I've learned over the last 43 years of working with children and their families, to carefully construct an environment of empathy and nurture the kinds of experiences and words that contribute to attitudes of acceptance and peace.

HItting, hurting, and exclusion are all behaviors that children will naturally try out. That's OK. It's our responsibility to teach them to go after what they want but to do it in a more appropriate and safer way.

As parents and teachers who are human, we won't always be able to handle things perfectly and that's OK, too. It's the learning, process, and finding the best way to do it for you and your individual child that really matters.

Here are my top 7 ideas for building resilience to narcissism that you can use with your family starting today.

If everyone in the world did #3 and #4 we'd start to see improvements in society within weeks.

Make them wait for good things sometimes. These days it seems as if everyone needs to have everything right away and it's almost addictive. Let's give our kids a little bit of practice waiting for things they're excited about. It only adds to the fun in my book.

I often use the word espera with the young children I work with. This beautiful word means wait and hope in Spanish. "Espera por, favor is a very nice way to explain waiting to a child and it's really difficult to say a word like that lovely in a harsh way.

Of course, children are impatient. We're all fairly impatient and we've had a lot more practice as adults waiting than they have. Here's an activity you can try with your kids that's not only fun but a great learning experience for all.

Bring your child to a clean table or area and explain "The Waiting Game" to them. Tell them you're going to give them an M&M (or a cherry or whatever they like). They can eat it right away if they want, but if they can wait 3 minutes, they'll get another. If they eat the first one before the timer goes off, that's OK but they don't get a second one. If they wait the full 3 minutes, they get both.

This can be adjusted according to age and different rewards can be used. I like to engage the kids in the process by asking them how long they think they can wait. The idea is to figure out how long that is and encourage them to beat their best waiting time. The funny thing is that the kids start to develop strategies like covering their eyes or crawling under the table.

Make time in your busy schedule to invite your kids to sit on your lap while you read to them or tell them a story. And while you're there, point out the way the characters may be feeling and why. Talk about their facial expressions. Be careful not to impose on your child with too many words or questions but rather answer their questions honestly and concisely That's what kids really want from us.

All feelings are OK, hitting and hurting are never OK. Period. There's always a better way and parents and providers need to band together to teach young children how to succeed in a way that doesn't harm others. I like to focus on creating peace as opposed to stopping violence since I work with such young children.

Still, I know that hurtful behavior is bound to happen. Even though there are many things we can do to prevent young children from using violence, we also need a plan for what to do when it does happen. You can read about what exactly to do and say in that situation here.

It can be difficult to say no to your child but we can do it gracefully, without destroying their dreams. Try saying this:

No, Stuart, I'm not going to buy you an action figure today, but when we get home I'll help you add it to your birthday wish list. (by the way, your child should know that a birthday list is a wish list, not an obligation for somebody to buy a toy.)

or this...

No, you can't have a pony, this year Bernadette. Horses are wonderful but also expensive to buy and keep plus they're a lot of hard work. If you really want one there's no reason why you can't start saving now and make it a goal to someday own one. Let me help you set up a system that'll help you.

Learn to speak the language of appreciation. Notice when our child shows love and caring. Talk about others, especially strangers with compassion. Eliminate judgemental words from your vocabulary.

Speak in terms of other children being energetic, curious, friendly, and likable instead of selfish, messy, out of control, or unattractive. My point is that we need to really listen to ourselves when we describe others because it has a profound effect on how our children learn to perceive the world. Children learn by example.

Say "That was helpful" more often. When you appreciate your children, they learn to appreciate others.

Use these words freely with your children and describe just exactly what it was that was helpful to you and why. Those 3 little words will change your parenting life around in the best way possible.

Try it if you want to find out for yours

the
empathy
lab

Nanci J Bradley BS/MA
Early Childhood Consultant

Step-By-Step Guide To Creating Empathy During The First Few Years Of Life

Step-By-Step Guide To Creating Empathy During The First Few Years Of Life

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