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5 Steps To Avoid Entitlement in Infants, Toddlers, and Preschoolers
Children are most definitely entitled to certain things at birth. Nourishment, safety, shelter, and medicine are some of them. In my opinion, kids are also entitled to love, learning, and play. (Brazelton/Greenspan 2000)
Nobody, however, wants to raise a child who thinks they're entitled to a lot more than others or one who doesn't have a clue that they should have to work for the things they want.
Entitled adults refuse to take responsibility for their actions and instead blame others.
Here's a good definition of the type of entitlement I'm talking about in children.
“Typically, entitled kids believe the world revolves around them, that things should be done for them, and that paths should be cleared for them without them putting in much effort. Signs of entitlement include not taking ‘no’ for an answer and acting helpless when they're not. When an entitled kid messes up, he expects to be rescued. He tends to not be grateful for what he has, and he finds it difficult to be content. Also, he requires constant entertainment. Any child on the planet will exhibit these characteristics from time to time, but if you’re seeing them as a regular pattern, you should ask, ‘Is this an entitlement issue?” -McCready
But what if there is an issue? What should we do and say?
Is it possible to teach kids to develop the emotional and social skills they need to avoid the entitlement trap and take responsibility for what they do?
Research tells us that it is possible to build resilience to attitudes like entitlement, narcissism, and arrogance and that it's important to start early. Please see the citations listed below this article.
Here are a few concrete ways to teach young children responsibility without shaming or blaming.
Emotions
Don't let them think they're the only ones with feelings.
Help them to identify their own and others' emotions. This can help them move from egotistical infants to loving toddlers, to caring preschoolers to empathetic adults.
Use books, stories, and real-life examples to point out emotions whenever you can.
remember:
All feelings are OK, all actions (and words) are not!
Stuart looks like he might be feeling sad about his dolly. I wonder what he'll do about it.
Mary looks like she might want a turn with the rocker. How do you think she could get one?
Penny hit Raj when he took the ball from her. It's never OK to hit but Penny was using the ball. What could she have done instead?
Mistakes
Admit when you make a mistake and discuss how you plan to fix it. Children learn by observation, and you're their favorite subject.
Also, let them make some mistakes. Stop bailing them out. It can hurt them more in the long run.
When the mom of an absent-minded second-grader asked me if I thought she should bring his homework to school when he forgot, I told her that although I understood her strong feelings about not wanting to let him fail, I wouldn't bring it because receiving the consequences of forgetting in second grade might stop him from having to feel the consequences of failing in college or at work.
Responsibility
Try to see responsibility as a response to their ability. Watch them carefully to see what they can and can't do. Then you can ask them to live up to it with support.
Point out when they behave cooperatively or responsibly. Cooperation is listening and complying while responsibility is deciding to do something without being told every time.
Leonard got his jacket right away when I asked. that's cooperation. Thanks, Leonard! That was helpful.
Penny washed her hands before she sat down to eat without being reminded. that's responsibility. Thanks, Penny! That was helpful.
The opposite of feeling entitled is feeling like a useful contributor to something good. That's why I like the phrase, "That was helpful". Try saying it more often and watch the atmosphere quickly improve wherever you are.
Boundaries
Learn to set boundaries that work. "I" messages are the easiest, most straightforward way to do this with very young children and everyone. If you don't know how to use "I" messages you can learn more about it in my 2021 article Setting Boundaries here.
#5
Problem-Solving
Avoid solving their problems for them. Instead, you can teach them to do it.
Talk them through that puzzle, let them struggle a bit trying to mount that riding toy, and let them learn to climb the ladder first to enjoy the slide.
If we do everything for them, we put them at a disadvantage when compared to kids who've had to figure things out on their own.
Still, don't ever ignore their struggles or give them more than they can handle. Always give them the least possible amount of help they need to succeed (Vygotsky). That way, they'll start to understand what it feels like to work hard to achieve what they want instead of having it handed to them on a silver platter.
The difficult part about helping a child learn to do some things on their own is helping them learn to cope with the frustration they're bound to feel. In order to help them to get through their frustration, teach them the word.
Once it has a name, they can become aware of when it's happening to them and they might be able to deal with it better. They might decide to quit, take a break, or try a different approach.
I hope you got something useful from this article.
Just in case you actually want to raise an entitled child, here's how.
citations
Bailey, Rebecca Anne. There's Gotta Be a Better Way: Discipline That Works! Loving Guidance, Inc., 2003.
Brazelton, T. Berry, and Stanley I. Greenspan. The Irreducible Needs of Children: What Every Child Must Have to Grow, Learn, and Flourish. Perseus Pub., 2000.
“Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.” Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 4 Dec. 2017, Harvard Center for the Developing Mind, https://developingchild.harvard.edu/.
Hohmann, Mary, et al. Young Children in Action: A Manual for Preschool Educators: The Cognitively Oriented Preschool Curriculum. High/Scope Press, 1979.
Karpov, Yuriy V. Vygotsky for Educators. Cambridge University Press, 2014.
Lopez, Molly, Are You Raising An Entitled Child? 1/24/17 https://peaceigive.com/2021/07/27/are-you-raising-an-entitled-child/
Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY! She studied early childhood education at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in
2010. She's presented at national and state early childhood conferences. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.
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