"Why can't you share?", said the frustrated mom after explaining the idea over and over again during a playdate with her 2 1/2 year old and a friend.

I know that feeling. It's the moment you feel like saying, "Do we have to go home now?", even though you'd planned to stay at least another hour. It's the moment every toddler parent dreads. It could be a stand-off of wills or a full-blown meltdown but it is what it is.

I've been there thousands of times during a 50 year career in early childhood ed. The problem is that toddlers can't yet share properly. Even if you coach them well and they seem to be able to do it, they often can't or won't when you're not looking.

Fighting over a toy is one of those developmentally normal behaviors that can drive anyone bananas. Still, it needs to be dealt with. If we ignore it our children will learn that the biggest and strongest always get the toy.

So what do good toddler teachers do? Yelling, time-outs and physical punishments only work at first. Then they lose their effectiveness due to acclimation. If you've seen any excellent early childhood teachers work a room you know they lead with good-natured control. They don't threaten, use force or punish the children yet they have control. How do they do it?

I'm going to give away some of their secrets to parents who care enough to utilize them. I'm only going share the ones that have actually worked for me over and over again. Early childhood educators are a special brand of people who believe in sharing. I'm proud to be one of them.

I've dealt with the inability of young children to share thousands of times so i have an automatic response. I move toward the problem right away and I say,

"Is there a problem?" I know better than to assign blame.

Then I use one of the following 3 techniques. The third choice does lose it's appeal after a while so I only use it sparingly and when everyone is in a pretty good mood because it's a bit of a joke but it can ease the tension and get a quick laugh out of everyone.

Here are my top 3 secrets for dealing with toddlers who won't share.

one

It looks like you both want to play with this toy. Should I hold on to it until we decide what to do with it?

This is so much different than taking the toy away. Holding on to it helps them to settle down enough to talk. Taking it away just directs their anger at you!

two

I'm going to help you take turns with it. I didn't see who had it first so I'll do eeny-meeny-mo (or any games of random choice) with you and then I'll set the timer for ??? minutes. (I usually help and support the child who has to wait. I'll try to get them to play with something else for a while but sometime I just keep my arm around them while they cry. )

three

If the children are fighting over a toy, say, spiderman, I say, "Oh no! Spidey's causing a problem again! He's going to have to have time-out up here on the piano while we figure out how to help him get along. Then I set a timer for 3 minutes and talk with the children to find a good solution for the problem so he can come back down and play.

Sometimes sharing quickly escalates to hitting. At this point you need to know what to do. We've put together a short presentation that walks through the steps an excellent early childhood teacher takes when a child hits or hurts. When you purchase the presentation, the proceeds go directly to the non-profit early childhood rocks! and are used to fund this website.

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY!  (click on the word) She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She has presented at statewide and nationwide conferences. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.