With the goal of de-escalation in mind, here are the top 4 things to do right away when you see a child being hurtful.

The first thing to do is to move into the situation quickly and calmly and take charge, someone has to. Separate the children with your body if they won't stop fighting.

Next, you can firmly tell the child who hurt to "Be Gentle", or Stop, That's hurting him!

Then, the next thing to do is to ask the child who's been hurt if they're OK. Pay more attention to that child.  Comfort them. You can deal with the other child privately as soon as things settle down a bit.

It's much more important to demonstrate empathy than it is to try and figure out who's right and wrong or to force an apology at this point.

note: If the children are fighting over a toy you may have to hold on to the toy until the issue is settled. Be clear that you're just holding it until things get better, not "taking it away".

Once the other child has settled down a bit, you can talk to the child who did the hurting. It's good to bring them to another room or off to the side. Try to find out why this happened without condoning the hurtful part.

Remember.... All feelings are OK, all actions are not!

Tell the offending child that you understand what they wanted. Also, tell them that hurting is never OK. Offer them some ideas on ways to make amends like saying sorry, offering a hug, or helping with something. Never force the issue, though, they can have time away from the other child if they'd rather not do anything yet. Sometimes a few minutes helps.

Later, work on actually teaching the child to get what they want, in an appropriate way without resorting to violence. If you think what they want is attention from you, then find a way for them to get it. Actually take the time to teach them how. This is the start of problem-solving.

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