Have we done a good enough job of building empathy in our homes, communities, and institutions?

Apparently not, since lack of empathy is a big concern in the United States and the World.

Although so many well-meaning people see that more empathy is needed, who really knows how to build it? Where do we start?

Some wonder if empathy is an inborn trait like eye color or body structure. They might wonder if there's anything to be done at all. Or if people are just born good or bad and nothing can be done to help them.

According to science, certain traits are inborn but the expression of those traits depends on the environment and the experiences the individual has.

For example, one child with an extremely high activity level might be labeled ADHD, get in tons of trouble in school, and develop depression with drug dependency while another might use the same activity level to become a classroom helper, a college athlete and/or the CEO of a family business. Experiences matter.

Just like a preponderance of negative experiences and stress can cause havoc on the mental state of children, there are certain experiences and environments that can create and build empathy.

What are those experiences that build brain connections for empathy and non-violent communication? Can they be pinpointed and reproduced? Have they been researched by science? Here's what we know for sure:

1)

Serve and return

This is how babies and very young children learn empathetic communication skills. A word, a gesture or a look is served by one party and it's returned by the other.

Adults are expected to take turns talking although it doesn't always happen like that. Through serve and return, babies learn that communication is worth the effort and they learn what sparks interest in others. View this short video from Harvard that explains how.

2)

Laptime is Interactional reading with young children. It's time spent reading or talking about emotions. It's time spent together, looking at books or magazines, reading and speculating how characters, ourselves, or others in the world might feel. Click here to learn more about laptime.

3)

Teach appropriate physical behavior, don't expect it to be innate. Demonstrate gentle touches and use the words. This is how we treat our friends bodies. Well-supervised time with pets can be helpful with this.

4)

Feelings. First teach them words for their own feelings, then start to talk about your feelings and later, the feelings of others. Let them know in no uncertain terms what kinds of physical touches you like and which ones you don't.

5)

Words. Your intentions are the most important factor but the actual words you choose to use can make a difference when teaching empathy to young children. Their brains work differently than ours. When you join our free community, you'll get our eBook called, Magic Words, Get Kids To Listen and Like It right away. It has 22 phrases that work wonders with young children to solve common problems. Here are some examples.

Be gentle.

There's a better way to get a turn.

I'll help.

Are you OK?

You threw the ball to Debbie. That's sharing!

I'll help you talk turns with the hammer or we can find another one.

6)

Listen to them without judging or blaming anyone. Just listen and wait. Active listening is key to non-violent communication.

7)

Point out the good in them and in others. Good people come in all different sizes, shapes, colors, genders, abilities and cultures. There is no place for blame in non-violent communication.

8)

Punishment doesn't create empathy. When a child hurts another it's a teachable moment. Consequences may very well be involved but they aren't the crucial part of the process that teaches the child how to handle the situation the next time it comes up.

So what is?

In the VIP section of our site we have an eBook that covers exactly what to do and say when a young child hits or hurts. Consider becoming a VIP now and getting immediate access to your free eBook plus 5.5 hours of CEU's in our training called, All Together Now! Playing Nice In Early childhood Significance of Empathy, Inclusivity, and Boundaries as Substantiated by Research. The price is right.

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY! She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.