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A quick internet search tells us that impulse control doesn't begin until age 3-4 but continues to develop throughout the lifespan. This may suggest to some that because toddlers can't control their impulses, we should wait and teach them that skill when they are older and ready to learn.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Diving a little bit deeper into the impulse control issues, which seem to be a big problem for both children and adults, I noticed that the the terminology used most often for infants and toddlers is self-regulation or co-regulation. I'd like to share a quote from the National Association For The Education Of Young Children (NAEYC) about developing impulse control, self-regulation or co-regulation in infants and toddlers.
In the beginning very young children’s capacity for self-regulation is limited, and they are very dependent on their teachers for co-regulation. For those working with infants and toddlers, warm and responsive interactions are truly foundational for the development of self-regulation—The teachers’ prompt and caring interactions support each baby’s ability to begin to self regulate and manage the tasks of waiting, self-soothing, and transitioning between activities. -LINDA GROVES GILLESPIE
As parents and caregivers, we constantly help infants and toddlers to control their impulses. At first we help physically by comforting, holding, rocking, singing, waiting, and talking gently. Later we may help them learn not to do certain things like grab the glasses off of our faces or bite when angry.
In some ways young infants can seem like little bundles of impulses. That's because they literally are. Our job is to guide them through the developmental stages they need to get to the point of good impulse control.
It's not an easy job, but a very important one. Here are some ideas, from seasoned childcare providers, of things to try and words to use to encourage children to develop impulse control during their first few years of life. Waiting until age 3.5 to impress these ideas is too late.
Here's a good place to start from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child.
A few activities won't do the trick but they will help when combined with regular everyday opportunities to practice self-control. And lots of repetition. Here are a few to try.
Freeze Dance (without losers, just dance and stop)
Simon Says (no losers)
Red Light Green Light ( in English and Spanish)
Countdown from10 to start any activity
Reading short books
Use a visual timer
Use songs for rituals and transitions
Here's a youtube link to my favorite self-regulation activity for toddlers. It's Jim Gill singing The Sneezing Song. Just playing the song for toddlers is much better than showing the video. I included it so you could see the children's faces.
Next I have a collection of examples of the exact words to use to promote co-regulation, self-regulation and impulse control in toddlers.
I need those glasses to see. I'm going to keep them on my face.
I'm going to make some lunch. You can come into the kitchen, sit in your chair and talk with me or you can play on the floor, here, where I can see you. (Talk through the process of fixing lunch can help them wait.)
I'm going to take you for a walk to change the scenery for a while.
I'm going to help you learn to fall asleep on your own.
I see there's a problem with the toy. You both want it. I'm going to hold onto while we figure out how to take turns with it.
Is there a problem? As you move toward the children. Proximity matters.
Your bottle will be ready in 3 minutes. Listen for the timer.
I'll change your diaper right now or in 2 minutes. Which one is better for you? Set timer if chosen. Follow through.
After we get all the Duplos put away, we'll get ready to go to the playground.
She's using that ball. You can find another one from the ball bin or you can wait. Repeat as necessary without too much emotion.
Stop. I won't let you bite him. It will hurt him. Here's something you can bite.
I'll hold your hand until I'm sure you'll be safe.
I decided....When safety is an issue, adults make the decision. Input is allowed and considered but adults decide in this case.
Let's sit on the rocker together until you start to get calm. Then we can talk.
Breathe with me. Or just take deep breath yourself and watch what happens
Be a S.T.A.R.
Smile
Take A Breath
And
Relax
This really works!
Talk about feelings while reading any story. How do you think Raj felt when Penny took his favorite toy? What could he do? Talk through it.
Talk about plans during meals. Review what you did during the next meal or snack. This helps develop a planning disposition.
There's a lot more to be said about teaching young children to control their impulses but I'm going to stop here for today. Too much information leads to overload and that's the last thing anyone caring for very young children needs.
Need more ideas that work?
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Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY! She studied early childhood education at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in
2010. She's presented at national and state early childhood conferences. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.
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